This week was a roller coaster

So few things happened this week which are a bit interesting I guess I'll start from early on.

So early this week Teach had a sleepover with her Ex not biggie I guess wasn't too worried things were going well for her which I was happy about or at least they were going better. So Friday she went to a party at his house and I guess she decided to stay there too and something happened. I guess they were fooling around and after repeatedly telling him to stop she ended up hurt because he didn't hear her or register her pushing him off. Anyways she told me the next day and this basically led to her making the decision not to do anything at all with him for a while (Physically) She thinks it's a better idea to work on the other aspects of their relationship first and I totally agree and think it's smart. One thing that just pissed me off to no end is the fact that when she was there hurt I was here and couldn't do anything about it and I HATE that feeling of helplessness. In my head I'm thinking like "If I was there I could've stopped it or protected her" Even though I know full well she has to make her own choices and mistakes and I couldn't have done anything. I just ugh all in all shitty hearing about it because I hate not being able to do anything or protect her from here.

So she told him that she wanted to stop with the physical stuff and work on the other stuff and honestly? He kinda acted like an ass about it for a while but He came around today I guess and said that that's fine they wouldn't do anything till she was comfortable. But actions speak louder and all that so I hope he can keep his word. I admittedly have a strong urge to punch him in the face for hurting her but If I did that to every person who hurt her I'd probably have given myself more black eyes in a year than I've had in my entire life.

So that was most of the Teach stuff, In other news my Brother got Married on Saturday it was a beautiful ceremony and I am very proud of him and my new sister. Both were so much fun to be with that day and were shining all day despite the rain. I loved being there and included with him and his friends for the bridal party. All in all it was alot of fun :) I did end up drinking alot and drunkenly texting Teach which led to me asking her out at christmas if all her stuff with her Ex is resolved and she wants too. She said to ask when I was sober so oddly enough I gained some confidence and asked her Sober the next day. I'm not entirely sure what the answer was she said "Yes without saying yes" So i'm just gonna be happy with it and sit back and see what happens between now and christmas. But I am very happy she actually would go on a date with me now which is a big step from the summer. Anyways thanks for listening OH she also got the care package I sent her and loved it which was nice :)

-Bonhomme

I am a Horrible Friend

So that Jealousy thing came back with a vengeance last night when Teach told me her Ex was sleeping over again. This in itself isn't a big deal they'd spent the night together having dinner and such and I guess it was just a good day for them so she wanted to test the waters. This is not a big deal at all and pretty standard I guess but it doesn't help with this feeling in my stomach that's just I don't even know how to describe it. It seems to rotate between wanting to break down and cry, hit something or jump off a building. I don't really understand what the hell is wrong with me this year. Last year when she left I was sad but nowhere near as emotional I am this year.

So I've come to realize that lately I have been a horrible friend for Teach. She trusts me with her problems and everything to do with her Ex and I've been giving as good advice as I can but sometimes I feel like I'm not sure if I'm giving the advice that's good or the one I think will push her towards ending it. It's like do I think it would be better to move on from him? Hell yes. Is that because I'm Jealous? I wanna say no but honestly I think that's a small part of it which is horrible. I want her to be happy with or without me and I just hate that I can't act like that. I really do try to be a good friend with my advice I want her to make her own decisions and if she decides she still wants him that's fine and I will do my best to live with that. If she chooses to move on and be single a while that's great too. It's just UGH this year I am an emotional wreck with her and have no idea why!


Anyways that's where I stand so far thanks for reading,

-Bonhomme

Decent week

So the start of this week was a bit shakey just well basically Teach had her Ex sleep over and they kissed a bit and blarg it made me really really jealous but then we talked and alot of stuff happened which I'll try to explain here.

So Teach has this friend called Mama Bear who is... well I don't know the word for it the person who's big into spirituality like Tarot Cards and Auras and Spirits and such. Personally I do believe most of it but that's just me. Anyways they were all hanging out (all the girls and Teach and Mama Bear) and they decided to skype me. So literally as soon as I get on the line someone ( later identified as Mama Bear) was sorta yelling "It's him , It's Him, It's Him" Which I later learned was her way of saying I was Teach's soulmate or Twin flame or something. Basically a Twin flame (From what I understand) is essentially You have your Twin Flame who is your Other half in heaven and each lifetime One of you is sent to earth to live and the other watches over and protects you and chooses who you will fall in love with during that lifetime. But when you are on your last lifetime Both you AND your twin flame will be on earth and trying to find eachother I guess. So anyways Mama bear said my Aura was pink (Which means love) Not all that surprising when I'm talking to Teach and basically I won't lie I felt really good I mean I know it's not hard science or anything but I do believe it and It was just a nice feeling thinking it. So anyways Mama bear then asked if I thought Teach was my Twin Flame and I said yes after finding out a bit what it was I still say yes. 

So alot of stuff went down with Teach and her Ex too but bottom line is she's started to feel different around him and they both think they need to try and go back to their old selves but neither know if they even can anymore. I don't know what to think for that one I mean the selfish shit inside wants her just to tell him they should be friends and that's it but I know that might not be what she wants . Either way lots of stuff for this week so hopefully everything resolves itself eventually.

Although One thing I did find interesting was during our time spent watching movies and cuddling and such I admittedly always felt tempted to kinda push the limits a little, and I was dying to try a kiss but I knew better than to push it so I pushed those temptations down . One thing that surprised me is me and Teach talked about it yesterday and she said she had the same temptations this made me feel happy but confused too. Happy cuz Wow girl of my dreams here saying she felt tempted to kiss me too but confused because before she'd said she couldn't give me everything a girlfriend could and just blech I have no idea anymore. And then it made me happy again cuz obviously if she felt tempted she must think of me more than just a friend which is great!

So that's it for now thanks for reading.

-Bonhomme

Trying to voice things better

So in my last few posts I have been very bad at explaining well Teach and how I feel and everything I've been mostly complaining and being a selfish prick and me me me meing.

So I think to start with Teach again since I'm horrible at explanations Physically sure she's attractive but that's not what get's me. She has one of the kindest hearts I have ever seen no matter the circumstance, she always tries to put others before herself no matter how much she is hurting she always does and maybe that's why her and the Ex broke up maybe not I don't pretend to know but the point is she is just such a caring person and always puts her friends needs or wants above her own.

She is a big nerd like me and always open to try new things (To an extent) and just a genuinely happy person. I love our honesty policy I really really do and the only thing I always have trouble telling her is how I'm really feeling, there is one feeling I hate most in the world and it's that I might have hurt her. She loves the same shows and movies (for the most part as me) and I think something I really love about her is she doesn't Judge me. She must be the only person in my life who doesn't.

She always brightens up my day just by talking to me I know I've said that before but it's true and also why some mornings I'll say "Good Morning Sunshine" because she brightens up my life,. Teach is the only reason I'm still alive today and has easily had the biggest influence on my life as a whole and even after she know's all my feelings for her and everything she doesn't shy away from me or ignore me. She treats me like a best friend and I can't express enough how amazing that feels to know she cares about me enough not to freak out that I'm in love with her.

So now I guess for an update the other night I found out her and her Ex had been kissingand It bugs me a bit sure but I figured it was gonna happen, later on though me and her were on a skype call with one of her housemates let's call her Pop-star and we were all playing the question game (Ask a question everyone answers honestly) So at first the questions were normal and weird stuff then it turned to some sexual questions were we all went through some of our individual experiences with sex and the like and I heard some of Teach's stuff which was always with her Ex and oddly enough I didn't really feel jealous at that. Strange huh? Of all the things Not to be jealous of the Ex and the Sex life was one of them. But I think I figured it out, I don't want to be with Teach because I want to sleep with her I want to be with her because she is so special to me and makes me feel so amazing when I'm with her or talking with her. No girl has ever made me feel that same way.

Which brings me to my other realization that I should stop trying to compete with her Ex. I haven't necessarily been trying to but I know subconsciously I have been and I think I need to try a different approach I'd never try and steal a girl from another guy that's beyond being an asshole and I wouldn't sabotage a relationship either but there's things I like doing for Teach to make her smile like sending her little gifts and admittedly flirting a bit that I'm not gonna give up. So I think instead of trying to compete when I've already lost I'm going to try my best ( and probably fail) at starting a "New Game" Where I just try to make Teach as happy as possible even if that means she's with Him. I figure I can still give her little presents to make her smile and everything and try to make her a little more happy every day :) And if the Ex doesn't like that well too bad I'm not doing it for him and unless she tells me otherwise I'll assume she's okay with me not changing who I am or how I feel.

I mean obviously I'm madly in love with this girl ( a fact apparently obvious to everyone XD) which means I'm gonna put her needs and wants before mine no matter what, but I won't stop hoping, I can't stop hoping someday it'll be me kissing her in the rain or under some fireworks. Or that it'll be me wrapping my arm around her when she sleeps and pulling her close and never letting go. I've never been very poetic but hopefully this one is a bit more cheery of an entry since it's mostly about her and the happiness she brings me.



I keep saying Who Knows What Will Happen in the future and no one does. But I will hold onto my hope for as long as I can to quote the Shawshank Redemption "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies"

Calmed down Slightly

So I've calmed down a bit from the other night where I kinda freaked and wrote a novel (Sorry) Basically I was crazy upset because I thought I'd hurt Teach during our conversation about the Trial run with her Ex, and she asked for space, which frankly I am horrible at giving, I text her way too much even if the conversation dies and I always feel like I'm annoying her :S Anyways We are talking again and things seem okay but I still don't want to bring up anything to do with her Ex unless I have to because I don't want to upset her or cause her to shut me out again :S I know he's been over a few times this week and apparently he's brought her flowers and such so clearly he is still trying to win her back and from what I can tell he's succeeding :(. As much as I saw this coming for a while now it still feels awful, I was scared of losing her like I said and I know those moments we had over the summer are just gonna have to stop when she get's back together with him. She say's she is smarter and that her heart is more fragile so she isn't rushing in. Which she isn't I understand that but I still feel like she's moving towards getting back together with him. I will support that decision like I've said before but still I can't help feeling jealous of Mr. Perfect for having her. Not to mention my earlier fears of not being able to visit or anything with him not wanting me there. So anyways been feeling kinda empty I guess and not sleeping very well with anxiety for her and for school and such. Just feeling scared about losing her, like I said in my last post I love her to the moon and back and every song just reminds me of her or makes me wish I could give her at least a hug to make myself feel better. I know i'm being selfish with all this but I also realize I might have to wait an extremely long time for my chance with her again (Or I might not get another chance). I don't hate her Ex I just... I want to be him sometimes. I'm actually getting a gym membership this year too to try and get in shape I think it's for me but it might be just to make myself look better to others too I dunno. I think it's guaranteed they are gonna get together and I think I can be okay with it as long as she doesn't expect me to be friends with the guy :S Don't get me wrong I want her to be happy which means I will grind my teeth and suck it up and let her be happy with her Ex because I know that's what she wants but I don't think I could ever shake the hand of the guy who I'm so jealous of with everything from looks to having her. I will support her as I promised I always would but that can't change the way I feel, or how much I am in love with her. As much as she may never love me back or anything like that I still think I can keep things normal with us but I will have try my utmost to not drive myself crazy because I know I like knowing what her and her Bf do but I also know it hurts me too so it's a mix. I can hopefully keep us the same as we were assuming I can actually visit her although that could a long shot now, and I know no matter how hard I try to act normal I will still feel Jealous of him and I know things will still change. Well that's it for today basically no change feeling SLIGHTLY less anxious about her getting with him, I kinda accept it as a thing I'm pretty sure will happen and yeah still love her feel it most days miss her like crazy and yeah that's it so far :) might want to stop listening to the radio cuz every song has some stupid way of reminding me of her or making me wish I was there :S Even if it's just the one line of a song. Thanks for listening, Bonhomme4

She's gone and I feel it everywhere

So Teach went back to University last week and I have to say it's been killing me. My biggest fear in life has always been losing her and for some reason this year when she left it felt like that fear was coming true. Don't get me wrong every time she goes away I always miss her and everything but this year has just been 1000000 times worse for some reason. I think part of it is that she now know's exactly how I feel. I guess I should start from the beginning, basically like I said in my last post we had been getting really close lately with the movies and the sleeping on each other and the "cuddling" I guess and then the whole thing with her Ex came up. We didn't really stop we still kept seeing each other for movies and such up until she left, but a few days before she left she seemed upset about something and really distant so I did what a Best friend should and I got her a little Care Package, A sweater she liked of mine, some Chocolates, a Comic book, a little note letting her know I loved her an so on nothing too spectacular. Apparently she thought the sweater was weird or something so she questioned me about it and in the end I caved and confessed to her that I was IN love with her. She already knew (Apparently I make it obvious :S) but I knew already it wasn't gonna change anything. She still had feelings for her Ex and she was leaving soon and would see him almost every day for the next 8 months. You'll remember this Ex is again just an all around better guy than me. Smarter, more attractive and yada yada and I did let that slip to her too unfortunately basically I said I was jealous of him getting the girl I'm in love with and how much better he was and that's why I was so competitive with him. She basically told me that there was no competition and all that. I said I understood but in reality I wanted to say that there's no competition because I've already lost. Now do not get me wrong being just best friends with her is NOT a loss in any respect, I still love her with all my heart and want her to be happy even if that means letting her be with her Ex, but she also says she's worried if she does get back together with him I won't be happy and I was honest in saying it would make me feel more jealous then I've ever felt knowing he has her and I don't no matter what I do, but frankly that would be with any of her boyfriends not just him :S , we talked about it too, about our relationship but she basically said she couldn't give me everything a girlfriend could and basically I think she meant she doesn't ever see herself "Doing" things with me. Which sucks I guess but I never really understood because I don't picture myself doing those things with her either I mean that should take time to develop over a relationship not be a founding point but anyways. So she's gone now back up to Uni and is spending time with her Ex like I knew she would and I thought I could keep those feelings of Fear down, fear of losing her but now that she's with him again (Although not in a relationship) It's like I can feel a hole in my heart slowly getting bigger. She always tells me I will never lose her but in some ways I know that's not true. I know the fun and amazing times we had this summer cuddling up for movies and falling asleep on each other dies the minute she get's back together with him If and when she does, on top of which He never wanted me visiting Last year before the whole breakup and everything and he knows I was all for the breakup and not for getting back together so imagine how hard it would be for me to visit if they did end up back together. She tells me they are gonna do a trial run or something I don't really understand what it is but when I pressed her she got upset and now wants space for a few days. So not only am I already a freaking mess this week ( My mother has even been asking me what's wrong and most my family seems to think it's that Sarah is gone) but now I can't even talk to her or get reassured or anything. I know I have to wait and see what happens with her and I know she will have to make her own choices but honestly waiting to see if she will either change her mind about me or flat out reject me or something is so much harder than anything I've had to deal with in forever In songs and books and movies, waiting on the love of your life to realize your the right one seems so glamorous and quick but in reality it's so hard and emotional especially knowing it might never happen :S. Quick refresher on this girl so you can see where I'm coming from, Teach is the most amazing girl, She always brightens up my room and my day is made 10x better when I get to talk to her 100000x better if I get to see her, she is kind and sweet and caring about everyone. She likes all the same things I do with movies and being a nerd and I just feel so comfortable around her it's insane. She's one of those girls that I just can't get out of my head no matter how hard I try and secretly wish I could be with all the time. She makes me happier than almost anything in the world and is always there for me no matter how bad i screw up or how stupid I am. She is the only reason I'm alive today and just.... if I had to use a word then it would be perfect, yup Perfect. I can't really adequately put into words just how amazing she is and how blessed I truly am to have her in my life. She also thinks I never dream which I guess is partially true but not always I've had very very few dreams but the ones I do have that aren't nightmares are too embarassing to tell her about. I dream sometimes anyways that I won her over in the end and got to be the hero and blah blah blah we had a family and all that dream home and such and yeah just embarassing. Anyways I guess that's it I'm in love with the most perfect girl I could dream of (Even if she can't see it) and I'm powerless to do anything but wait and hold our hope maybe she'll fall in love with me eventually. I've come to realize that every girl has the same problem, they aren't her and as stupid and crazy as it sounds to hold onto that one in a million shot that she would trade down Mr. Perfect for a guy like me It's all I can do to keep my heart from shattering even more. Anyways this was a long one so thanks for sticking in. Rant over -Bonhomme

Long Time no talk / She builds me up and tears me down

SO! Obviously I haven't been posting at all for a very long time and I think the reasons have been pretty simple, for starters I sort of forgot I had this blog and so yeah there's one reason, the 2nd is I've been very busy this year with finishing up my first year of College, working and such and the 3rd and most important I suppose I haven't felt as much a need (Not to say I don't have my rough patches but regardless). So I guess to start I will recap what's been new recently, uhmm for Starters I started working a new job which I am actually really enjoying mostly because my co-workers are awesome and the time flies bye. I recently finished my first year of College studying Game Development it was both amazingly fun and crazy difficult. Uhmm watching a lot of Anime and such in my downtime not a whole lot new but the big thing I suppose is up until recently I was dating this girl we will call her M for 10 months. Now this was a major relationship for me obviously as it lasted so long but I admit I always felt there was something missing. Until recently I hadn't realized what (or rather Whom) that was. If you remember from a post a while back I mentioned this girl I was madly in love with Named Teach, after a lot of thought and hanging out with her a lot I came to realize I still did love her and that was not likely to ever change. now Teach went away to university this year and met this amazing guy I could never in a million years hope to compete with, Good looking, Charming, Poetic, and clearly had Her love almost right from the start. Now he unfortunately didn't know how to treat myself or Teach's other best friend so she broke it off but not until 8 months had past and unfortunately this guy doesn't give up very easily, promising to try and win her back and so on I chose to ignore it thinking he was just upset over the breakup. So after that we started spending a lot more time together watching movies, hanging out late, marathoning shows and such but the weird thing was we were way closer than normal. Holding hands and her falling asleep on me and such. I felt really happy you know? Like maybe down the road I'd have a real shot at my happiness with her. Hell we even were joking about if we ever got married and how it wouldn't be a bad thing. All the signs were there that maybe she wanted to move farther, she even gave me a little peck on the cheek to wish me goodnight. All was well with the world. That is until her Ex, who doesn't seem to consider himself an ex, promised to change and yadiyada and asked her on a date for dinner when she was back at Uni (He lives about 4hrs away) She didn't actually give him an answer (for the record she still has feelings for him obviously) but they've been talking more and more recently, Although me and her have still been close with the movies and cuddling and I guess I'd just hoped she'd start to get over him. So yesterday we are talking about how we both like were our friendship is right now and all that and we both like doing the "Couple stuff" like holding hands for movies and her falling asleep on me. So I was feeling good and confident now right? Girl of my dreams telling me she likes doing couple stuff with me SCORE. TO which she goes on to say.... You guessed it " I think I might take my Ex up on his Dinner date offer". Just like that my heart breaks into a billion little peaces again and I'm left upset and doing the only thing I can do in this situation. Tell her that it's her choice and I will support her no matter what because I just want her to be happy. And that is entirely true although as selfish as this is I want her to be happy... with me. But that doesn't seem to ever be a fucking option and it's starting to really really tear at me on the inside. Anyways my family seems to think it's because of my recent breakup with M but in reality I'm more upset I'm gonna lose Teach. It's not that she has hurt me because she never does it's more of a fear of losing her and just wishing I could be That Guy. But she doesn't hurt me with any of this. Anyways catchup/what's happening now rant Over! See you next time I'll try to do weekly updates.

2 More Days

2 More days that's all!

Story of the Name/Positivity

So I'm just now realizing that to most of you people there is no logic behind the name so Here's 2 links to videos that will explain it. One of which is really helpful for anyone going through tough times in life, it's a bit about staying positive.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQICtwDKmzE&feature=relmfu

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCqwwTfXr1Q

There ya go.

Adding some Context.

So I realized after my last post I never gave you an actual description of HER(Who will now be known as Teach. Never told you anything about Teach realy so I figured i'd fill you in. (She's gonna hate me for it but still) So Im not gonna go with physical descriptions I'll start with saying that I've known her since Junior Kindergarden and for the last like I don't even know 10yrs or so she's been probably my best friend in the world. I can come to her with anything and she's always there to help or if needed for a shoulder to cry on. She's helped me through the toughest times in my life, honestly if it wasn't for her I wouldn't be here, alive or where I am physically. I already told you guys that she's the only reason I didnt take that step when i was on the cliff and she's also the only reason I didn't run away from my crappy home life. Anyways she's always been there for me through thick and thin she was also my first and only love. But I digress to continue on with this she's the nicest person like ever, she will help you no matter what kind of stress se's going through. She remembers everybody's birthday and never forget's to wish you a good day on it. One thing I love about her is she's so, for lack of a better word, innocent! She's not oblivious she knows whats going on around her (We are after all in high school) but it just doesn't phase her she just ignores and moves on.

I remember when I lost my dad I was a wreck, there was just nothing but misery and sadness in my life and then on one night when i'd just watched this video with my dad in it I started bawling my eyes out and as if she could hear me She messages me on Msn asking how I'm doing, if I wanted to play one of those stupid msn games and just trying to make me feel better, she got me through that part of my life and I am FOREVER grateful for it.

There was one time earlier this year actually when I did something realy realy stupid. I'm not sure why I did it but I knew one thing at the time I had to tell Teach. So I did and unfortunately this led to some anger, and ultimately us not talking for probably close to 2 weeks maybe a month and it killed me because I knew i'd hurt her. Eventually I worked up the nerve to talk to her face to face (Something Im terrible at) which led to us finally reconciling, probably the biggest sense of relief I've ever gotten.

So anyways I guess you guys can now see maybe a little bit of why I love Teach so much. Atleast I hope you can, she's by far the most caring and special person I've ever met and have had the pleasure of being friends with.

On a side note What is your definition of love? Adults are always saying you can'tve felt true love your not old enough but to me Love is not wanting to be with anyone else, it not feeling right. This is one reason I know I love Teach. I've been in 2 relationships since and they've both lasted less than a week why? Because I didn't feel right being with them. As soon as I said yes or they said yes I regretted it. I just knew they weren't "The one" persay. Anyways I guess that's my filler on who She is and why I care so much.

See you in 6 days. Can't wait.

~Bonhomme

One more week just one more

So its been about a week now, since She left... and I've come to realize that its almost impossible for me to live without you.... I can't sleep, your always on my mind hell I almost broke down in the car just for hearing a song that reminded me of you I know she hates it when I do that but hey it was a great country song and it was perfect to describe my feelings for her. Anyways it's one more week till you come home and it couldn't be soon enough. I honestly didn't think it would be this hard but I can't stand not seeing her or hearing how she's doing or not talking to her. I just it kills me.

On a seperate note had a realy nice conversation with another friend today about well Her, how much I missed her and want her to be happy and want her to find someone if it means she'll be happy. Admittedly the conversation went to my feelings for her and how I want to be with her but I know I'll have to wait and see....and hope. It was funny today actually a grade nine from my school asked me about you, if I still liked you. Imagine that a grade nine could see that I still loved you. I got a laugh out of that, first one in weeks.

Which brings us to my other friend who I know will be reading this soon enough. Don't freak out. And thank you for the help I am trying to think more positively but as for you missy listen! Not all relationships bring on stress if you like this guy go for it and don't ever look back , do exactly what you told me don't dwell on the negatives of being here, think about all the good things about where you are now, your friends, family, screw school and screw Doctor your much better than this.

Anyways I guess that's it main thing this week though I MISS HER! I hope she's having fun and hope she doesn't get too upset with me for bringing those feelings back up.

~Bonhomme

P.s The song was Wanted by Hunter Hayes

Gone and the Family.

So I'm gonna try and not put words into peoples mouth's anymore as apparently theres more people reading this than I thought and i have been misinterpreting some things.

So anyways the trip I talked about before? The one my best friend is on (and a few aforementioned assholes) left yesterday so you'd think I'd be feeling some relief? or atleast a little bit of closure like I could put it behind me? Nope Ive been feeling like shit all weekend and havent been sleeping. Ive been crying, and feeling angry, bitter, jealous and depressed about all of it.

On a side note happy easter, but of course not for me because that meens family get togethers, which of course meens everyone make fun of Me time. And not just for fun no they target every one of my self esteem areas. Such as my lack of good looks, any real talent, lack of girlfriend, no real friends or social life, lack of athleticism and pretty much anything and everything else. One of my friends has suggested not to worry cause people still care about me I'm not so sure another has suggested it's the way I'm thinking about it, that I think everyones against me but it's not true. Which is I guess a kind of truth. Honestly there is only one place on earth I feel welcome and at home and happy and that's my summer camp. Thank god I got accepted to the 1 month program this year. One month away from my "family" one month of actual happiness. No more getting yelled at for everything I do, no more getting taunted or teased, no more being cast in the shadow of my siblings, no more being ignored by my own Mom for her new favorites. I swear the Dogs get more love and attention than me. Honestly there was a time where I wanted to just run away. I didn't care where but away from here. There's realy only one thing, one person I should say keeping me and she knows it.

I'm honestly beginning to dread family get togethers worse I'm starting to hate my own family. Maybe it's all in my head and there not all against me but I havent seen a single shred of god damn evidence to prove even one of them is on my side. The ironic part? My family makes fun of me for going to movies and playing video games all the time. I play games to escape the shit life I live, in games I can be anyone I want I can have a relationship and be happy and have no fear of rejection or loss. In movies I escape to a whole new world and live and breath with the characters. Sure maybe I watch alot and play alot but it's not only for fun its so I don't go absolutely insane and put myself back on that cliff.

So anyways theres a bucket load for you. And to the friends who tried to help thanks.

~Bonhomme

Well 1 more day.

So the trip I was talking about in the other post? They ship out in one more day which is upsetting enough but I didn't even get to say goodbye to my best friend. I can't realy blame her considering she was at an appointment but I wish shed told me so I'dve had a chance. Yes I'm aware she's only gone for 2 weeks but that's probably gonna be the longest I've gone without here or atleast talking to her in around 4-5 years. Not to mention again the afore mentioned people on the trip I happen to dislike.

But anyways so this week wasn't too too bad nothing realy happened. Went to a movie with a friend and had an amazing time I was happy to see her having fun to. And now it's a long weekend. I have to say my self esteem issueas and loneliness issues have been getting a bit worse lately. I'm pretty much lonely all the time and found myself crying a little bit today because of it. Well that and the whole not getting to say bye thing. I took a look at most of the relationships at my school and I'm beginning to notice something. The "hot" athletic guys, who are ass holes or druggies or stuff, still manage to get the girl. Like WTF society???? I mean seriously the drug using ass holes get to have happy relationships but I don't? One of my friends said god made me perfect somehow I doubt it. I know I can't rush this or force myself or someone else to like me but still I just realy want a relationship, I want someone to like me or something!

Oh and on that topic my friend from my first post (For anyone who remembers) I think still believes I'm in love with her. Which to be honest is true, as I said before I will always love her no matter what. But she's saying the same stuff I'm saying how she wants someone to love her as well. Which I'm fine with I can understand why she doesn't want to be with me and I'm okay helping her get through it and such because she is my best friend. I have no problem with encouraging her to find someone else or anything like that I want her to be happy even if it's not with me. But once again the whole loneliness thing is kinda killing me a little.

Well that's about it the usual load of stuff I'm sure I'll be back soon.

~Bonhomme

Fitting in

So I guess I'll start with some context this week is my Schools play and I'm helping out with tech and such. I guess one thing I noticed is how much fun all the actors and backstage crew have, they're all such good friends and I'm realizing I want that but am not part of their group per say. Sure they're my friends and hopefully I am theirs but I never get to have those memories or moments with them. I mean one thing I'm realizing is I can't even make plans with friends anymore. I understand they're busy but sometimes I get the feeling they just don't want to hangout with me specifically. And going off that brings me back to probably my number one insecurity, no-one realy cares, I think I have maybe 3 actual friends in the entire world. 3.... Not exactly a number I'm likeing considering I know and talk to on a regular basis around 20+. But either way I guess maybe after high school ill find some people who care about me and want to hang. Hopefully I will anyways.


Another thing going on soon is a trip my School has put together to Europe, I applied and was rejected which any other thing wouldn't bother me but It's truly a once in a lifetime oppurtunity and Europe is a place I've been wanting to go for years now. And in reality the only thing I can see that would have prevented me going is my grades. So because I'm not smart enough in the oppinion of the school I get sent away from this trip. Plus I looked at the list of people who were accepted among them were people I know to be bullies, mean people who have bullied me over the years and probably would still if I gave them the chance. And That just annoys me. Because those mean bullies are smarter or get better grades then me they get to go on this awesome trip and get this amazing oppurtunity and I don't. Not to mention of course my mothers words of encouragement when I told her I was applying. "Don't get your hopes up, I doubt they'll accept you with your grades" Thanks mom love you too. Either way that's pretty much this week. Oh and of course it sucks because one of my Best Friends (remember the girl from the first 2 posts?) Is on the trip so i have to pretend to be excited for her. Yay.

Anyways thanks for listening I guess although I think theres only one of you. Bye.

Yay break?

Sorry it's been a while but i've been busy. So this week is march break and me and my fam are up at Mont St Sauver for the week skiing. The first day of the break was a normal day just hanging around some shopping and such since it was rainy and the weather was crap. The second day however I get a nice little shock as when my mom was drinking (drunk) she told me I was an accident. Flat out. I mean it had been an outstanding joke in the family that I was an accident but I thought they were kidding. It's a bit of a shock. Knowing your life your entire existence everything you've ever done or will do was the result of just a major accident. Not exactly the confidence booster id want. Then during this conversation she goes on to talk about all my siblings. How my sister is so smart and has high marks and is doing her master's degree, how One of my brothers is doing great in university and just finished becoming an engineer and how the other is a great salesman and hockey player. What did she say about me? How I'm not doing well in school and need to work harder and how I'm the least athletic out of my siblings. That was it.


After that lovely conversation I finally got my input on how i've been treated by my brothers and sisters and how they pretty much hate me and love eachother as a group. Of course as any person would my sister says no thats not true and all that crap but the funny thing is not ONCE did she say she cared about or loved me. Even after voicing how I felt. Family issues aside me and my friend who's hear with me started talking about Prom next year for some reason and that convo scared me for mostly one reason. I guess this is a normal fear. Who would I ask? or more importantly who would go with me? I have fairly low self esteem i find and I cant even think of anyone who would go to prom with me or who i like or anything like that and it scares me to think I don't have anyone who truly cares. The one person I thought cared hasn't realy to me since December. It's a terrible feeling.


Last thing on my list is one of my now best and closest friends who's going through so much stuff right now and it's killing me that I can't help. She is by far one of the nicest people I know and an amazing friend who doesn't deserve any of what she's going through right now. I care about her alot and realy want her to feel better about everything going on. One thing she's said is she not necessarily wants but I guess would like a relationship with someone she cares about and who can help her get past this history with another guy. And hearing that makes me feel so terrible cause I can't do anything to help. Another thing that realy bothers me cause I can't help is she says she cries and doesn't tell her friends because she doesn't want to burden them, She used to cry in her room just staring at her walls. Do you know how it feels having a friend you can't help no matter how hard you try? I don't want her to stop telling me these things but I just wish I didn't feel so helpless sometimes. I realy want to be able to help her as much as I physically and emotionally can but I just don't know how.


So anyways I guess that's all for my break so far. I'll try to post more frequently. Bye.

Same crap different year

So happy new year I guess. Well maybe your new year is Happy. I know this blog is depressing but it's what I'm going through and helps to post. So anyways finished my vacation had an alright time and now I come home with new year and fresh start in my head. But of course that doesn't happen. School starts back up and once again I'm being ignored or made fun or or whatever. Essentialy I have almost no real friends right now. I have maybe one or 2 I trust but that's it.

Basicly the groups I try and talk to or do stuff with ditch me in a heartbeat but theyd never think to ditch one of their own mostly me. And of course its almost valentine season woohoo -_- On a side note me and the before mentioned girl have talked and decided to try to go back to being good friends so I'm trying to move on.

Essentialy this year is'nt going any better hopefully it will get somewhat better but based on past experience I'm not holding my breath.

One year of hell

So welcome I guess. I've never realy done this before i'm trusting total strangers with my secrets and fears. yay. Mine as well start from the beginning.

So I guess I started feeling sad when me and a girl I loved brokeup it wasnt because of anything bad she just wanted to go back to being friends and I was too stupid to fight for her. Anyways that summer i was quite literally standing at the edge of a cliff and thinking how easy it would be, and hoe better off everyone would be if i just jumped. In reality there was only one thing, person I should say that stopped me. You guessed it the girl. I still loved her. So taking a chance I ask her out again. She says no. So Im officialy stuck. But besides the girl theres about 10 thousand other problems I have.


For one I have maybe 2 friends in the entire world. Who I never get to see or be with. All my other "friends" abandoned me. One girl who completely hates me has made it her goal to alienate me from all my friends and is so far succeding. Whih realy doesn't help my insecurities. One of my biggest is how people think about me which isnt hard to tell. For starters going by looks Im ugly, weak, unintelligent, geeky, a failure and invisible. Another thing is every god damn night is the same thing.Videogameswhere people dont judge me and feeling lonely cause noone loves me. Which puts me in a state of depression that keeps me up.


Oh and heres the real kicker so I have 3 siblings who fucking hate me simply because im youngest and different to them. Our dad died from cancer a few years back they come together and push me apart so even in my own family im the freak. My mom though starts paying more attention to me and caring about me. That is until she gets a boyfriend who has 2 younger kids. Instantly im cast into the shadows of her new favourites. Finally i thought, i'm not the youngest maybe just maybe my siblings will love me. but no instead they choose the boyfriend's kids over me. as of right now Im officially the least loved of my entire family woohoo.


Well that about sums up the year i've had since the summer. Basicly no friends, no real family and only a small hope of one day leaving this town which is slowly fading away. I wonder what kind of hell god's cooked up for the next year.

~Bonhomme