She's gone and I feel it everywhere

So Teach went back to University last week and I have to say it's been killing me. My biggest fear in life has always been losing her and for some reason this year when she left it felt like that fear was coming true. Don't get me wrong every time she goes away I always miss her and everything but this year has just been 1000000 times worse for some reason. I think part of it is that she now know's exactly how I feel. I guess I should start from the beginning, basically like I said in my last post we had been getting really close lately with the movies and the sleeping on each other and the "cuddling" I guess and then the whole thing with her Ex came up. We didn't really stop we still kept seeing each other for movies and such up until she left, but a few days before she left she seemed upset about something and really distant so I did what a Best friend should and I got her a little Care Package, A sweater she liked of mine, some Chocolates, a Comic book, a little note letting her know I loved her an so on nothing too spectacular. Apparently she thought the sweater was weird or something so she questioned me about it and in the end I caved and confessed to her that I was IN love with her. She already knew (Apparently I make it obvious :S) but I knew already it wasn't gonna change anything. She still had feelings for her Ex and she was leaving soon and would see him almost every day for the next 8 months. You'll remember this Ex is again just an all around better guy than me. Smarter, more attractive and yada yada and I did let that slip to her too unfortunately basically I said I was jealous of him getting the girl I'm in love with and how much better he was and that's why I was so competitive with him. She basically told me that there was no competition and all that. I said I understood but in reality I wanted to say that there's no competition because I've already lost. Now do not get me wrong being just best friends with her is NOT a loss in any respect, I still love her with all my heart and want her to be happy even if that means letting her be with her Ex, but she also says she's worried if she does get back together with him I won't be happy and I was honest in saying it would make me feel more jealous then I've ever felt knowing he has her and I don't no matter what I do, but frankly that would be with any of her boyfriends not just him :S , we talked about it too, about our relationship but she basically said she couldn't give me everything a girlfriend could and basically I think she meant she doesn't ever see herself "Doing" things with me. Which sucks I guess but I never really understood because I don't picture myself doing those things with her either I mean that should take time to develop over a relationship not be a founding point but anyways. So she's gone now back up to Uni and is spending time with her Ex like I knew she would and I thought I could keep those feelings of Fear down, fear of losing her but now that she's with him again (Although not in a relationship) It's like I can feel a hole in my heart slowly getting bigger. She always tells me I will never lose her but in some ways I know that's not true. I know the fun and amazing times we had this summer cuddling up for movies and falling asleep on each other dies the minute she get's back together with him If and when she does, on top of which He never wanted me visiting Last year before the whole breakup and everything and he knows I was all for the breakup and not for getting back together so imagine how hard it would be for me to visit if they did end up back together. She tells me they are gonna do a trial run or something I don't really understand what it is but when I pressed her she got upset and now wants space for a few days. So not only am I already a freaking mess this week ( My mother has even been asking me what's wrong and most my family seems to think it's that Sarah is gone) but now I can't even talk to her or get reassured or anything. I know I have to wait and see what happens with her and I know she will have to make her own choices but honestly waiting to see if she will either change her mind about me or flat out reject me or something is so much harder than anything I've had to deal with in forever In songs and books and movies, waiting on the love of your life to realize your the right one seems so glamorous and quick but in reality it's so hard and emotional especially knowing it might never happen :S. Quick refresher on this girl so you can see where I'm coming from, Teach is the most amazing girl, She always brightens up my room and my day is made 10x better when I get to talk to her 100000x better if I get to see her, she is kind and sweet and caring about everyone. She likes all the same things I do with movies and being a nerd and I just feel so comfortable around her it's insane. She's one of those girls that I just can't get out of my head no matter how hard I try and secretly wish I could be with all the time. She makes me happier than almost anything in the world and is always there for me no matter how bad i screw up or how stupid I am. She is the only reason I'm alive today and just.... if I had to use a word then it would be perfect, yup Perfect. I can't really adequately put into words just how amazing she is and how blessed I truly am to have her in my life. She also thinks I never dream which I guess is partially true but not always I've had very very few dreams but the ones I do have that aren't nightmares are too embarassing to tell her about. I dream sometimes anyways that I won her over in the end and got to be the hero and blah blah blah we had a family and all that dream home and such and yeah just embarassing. Anyways I guess that's it I'm in love with the most perfect girl I could dream of (Even if she can't see it) and I'm powerless to do anything but wait and hold our hope maybe she'll fall in love with me eventually. I've come to realize that every girl has the same problem, they aren't her and as stupid and crazy as it sounds to hold onto that one in a million shot that she would trade down Mr. Perfect for a guy like me It's all I can do to keep my heart from shattering even more. Anyways this was a long one so thanks for sticking in. Rant over -Bonhomme