So in my last few posts I have been very bad at explaining well Teach and how I feel and everything I've been mostly complaining and being a selfish prick and me me me meing.
So I think to start with Teach again since I'm horrible at explanations Physically sure she's attractive but that's not what get's me. She has one of the kindest hearts I have ever seen no matter the circumstance, she always tries to put others before herself no matter how much she is hurting she always does and maybe that's why her and the Ex broke up maybe not I don't pretend to know but the point is she is just such a caring person and always puts her friends needs or wants above her own.
She is a big nerd like me and always open to try new things (To an extent) and just a genuinely happy person. I love our honesty policy I really really do and the only thing I always have trouble telling her is how I'm really feeling, there is one feeling I hate most in the world and it's that I might have hurt her. She loves the same shows and movies (for the most part as me) and I think something I really love about her is she doesn't Judge me. She must be the only person in my life who doesn't.
She always brightens up my day just by talking to me I know I've said that before but it's true and also why some mornings I'll say "Good Morning Sunshine" because she brightens up my life,. Teach is the only reason I'm still alive today and has easily had the biggest influence on my life as a whole and even after she know's all my feelings for her and everything she doesn't shy away from me or ignore me. She treats me like a best friend and I can't express enough how amazing that feels to know she cares about me enough not to freak out that I'm in love with her.
So now I guess for an update the other night I found out her and her Ex had been kissingand It bugs me a bit sure but I figured it was gonna happen, later on though me and her were on a skype call with one of her housemates let's call her Pop-star and we were all playing the question game (Ask a question everyone answers honestly) So at first the questions were normal and weird stuff then it turned to some sexual questions were we all went through some of our individual experiences with sex and the like and I heard some of Teach's stuff which was always with her Ex and oddly enough I didn't really feel jealous at that. Strange huh? Of all the things Not to be jealous of the Ex and the Sex life was one of them. But I think I figured it out, I don't want to be with Teach because I want to sleep with her I want to be with her because she is so special to me and makes me feel so amazing when I'm with her or talking with her. No girl has ever made me feel that same way.
Which brings me to my other realization that I should stop trying to compete with her Ex. I haven't necessarily been trying to but I know subconsciously I have been and I think I need to try a different approach I'd never try and steal a girl from another guy that's beyond being an asshole and I wouldn't sabotage a relationship either but there's things I like doing for Teach to make her smile like sending her little gifts and admittedly flirting a bit that I'm not gonna give up. So I think instead of trying to compete when I've already lost I'm going to try my best ( and probably fail) at starting a "New Game" Where I just try to make Teach as happy as possible even if that means she's with Him. I figure I can still give her little presents to make her smile and everything and try to make her a little more happy every day :) And if the Ex doesn't like that well too bad I'm not doing it for him and unless she tells me otherwise I'll assume she's okay with me not changing who I am or how I feel.
I mean obviously I'm madly in love with this girl ( a fact apparently obvious to everyone XD) which means I'm gonna put her needs and wants before mine no matter what, but I won't stop hoping, I can't stop hoping someday it'll be me kissing her in the rain or under some fireworks. Or that it'll be me wrapping my arm around her when she sleeps and pulling her close and never letting go. I've never been very poetic but hopefully this one is a bit more cheery of an entry since it's mostly about her and the happiness she brings me.
I keep saying Who Knows What Will Happen in the future and no one does. But I will hold onto my hope for as long as I can to quote the Shawshank Redemption "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies"
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