Calmed down Slightly

So I've calmed down a bit from the other night where I kinda freaked and wrote a novel (Sorry) Basically I was crazy upset because I thought I'd hurt Teach during our conversation about the Trial run with her Ex, and she asked for space, which frankly I am horrible at giving, I text her way too much even if the conversation dies and I always feel like I'm annoying her :S Anyways We are talking again and things seem okay but I still don't want to bring up anything to do with her Ex unless I have to because I don't want to upset her or cause her to shut me out again :S I know he's been over a few times this week and apparently he's brought her flowers and such so clearly he is still trying to win her back and from what I can tell he's succeeding :(. As much as I saw this coming for a while now it still feels awful, I was scared of losing her like I said and I know those moments we had over the summer are just gonna have to stop when she get's back together with him. She say's she is smarter and that her heart is more fragile so she isn't rushing in. Which she isn't I understand that but I still feel like she's moving towards getting back together with him. I will support that decision like I've said before but still I can't help feeling jealous of Mr. Perfect for having her. Not to mention my earlier fears of not being able to visit or anything with him not wanting me there. So anyways been feeling kinda empty I guess and not sleeping very well with anxiety for her and for school and such. Just feeling scared about losing her, like I said in my last post I love her to the moon and back and every song just reminds me of her or makes me wish I could give her at least a hug to make myself feel better. I know i'm being selfish with all this but I also realize I might have to wait an extremely long time for my chance with her again (Or I might not get another chance). I don't hate her Ex I just... I want to be him sometimes. I'm actually getting a gym membership this year too to try and get in shape I think it's for me but it might be just to make myself look better to others too I dunno. I think it's guaranteed they are gonna get together and I think I can be okay with it as long as she doesn't expect me to be friends with the guy :S Don't get me wrong I want her to be happy which means I will grind my teeth and suck it up and let her be happy with her Ex because I know that's what she wants but I don't think I could ever shake the hand of the guy who I'm so jealous of with everything from looks to having her. I will support her as I promised I always would but that can't change the way I feel, or how much I am in love with her. As much as she may never love me back or anything like that I still think I can keep things normal with us but I will have try my utmost to not drive myself crazy because I know I like knowing what her and her Bf do but I also know it hurts me too so it's a mix. I can hopefully keep us the same as we were assuming I can actually visit her although that could a long shot now, and I know no matter how hard I try to act normal I will still feel Jealous of him and I know things will still change. Well that's it for today basically no change feeling SLIGHTLY less anxious about her getting with him, I kinda accept it as a thing I'm pretty sure will happen and yeah still love her feel it most days miss her like crazy and yeah that's it so far :) might want to stop listening to the radio cuz every song has some stupid way of reminding me of her or making me wish I was there :S Even if it's just the one line of a song. Thanks for listening, Bonhomme4