This week was a roller coaster

So few things happened this week which are a bit interesting I guess I'll start from early on.

So early this week Teach had a sleepover with her Ex not biggie I guess wasn't too worried things were going well for her which I was happy about or at least they were going better. So Friday she went to a party at his house and I guess she decided to stay there too and something happened. I guess they were fooling around and after repeatedly telling him to stop she ended up hurt because he didn't hear her or register her pushing him off. Anyways she told me the next day and this basically led to her making the decision not to do anything at all with him for a while (Physically) She thinks it's a better idea to work on the other aspects of their relationship first and I totally agree and think it's smart. One thing that just pissed me off to no end is the fact that when she was there hurt I was here and couldn't do anything about it and I HATE that feeling of helplessness. In my head I'm thinking like "If I was there I could've stopped it or protected her" Even though I know full well she has to make her own choices and mistakes and I couldn't have done anything. I just ugh all in all shitty hearing about it because I hate not being able to do anything or protect her from here.

So she told him that she wanted to stop with the physical stuff and work on the other stuff and honestly? He kinda acted like an ass about it for a while but He came around today I guess and said that that's fine they wouldn't do anything till she was comfortable. But actions speak louder and all that so I hope he can keep his word. I admittedly have a strong urge to punch him in the face for hurting her but If I did that to every person who hurt her I'd probably have given myself more black eyes in a year than I've had in my entire life.

So that was most of the Teach stuff, In other news my Brother got Married on Saturday it was a beautiful ceremony and I am very proud of him and my new sister. Both were so much fun to be with that day and were shining all day despite the rain. I loved being there and included with him and his friends for the bridal party. All in all it was alot of fun :) I did end up drinking alot and drunkenly texting Teach which led to me asking her out at christmas if all her stuff with her Ex is resolved and she wants too. She said to ask when I was sober so oddly enough I gained some confidence and asked her Sober the next day. I'm not entirely sure what the answer was she said "Yes without saying yes" So i'm just gonna be happy with it and sit back and see what happens between now and christmas. But I am very happy she actually would go on a date with me now which is a big step from the summer. Anyways thanks for listening OH she also got the care package I sent her and loved it which was nice :)

-Bonhomme

I am a Horrible Friend

So that Jealousy thing came back with a vengeance last night when Teach told me her Ex was sleeping over again. This in itself isn't a big deal they'd spent the night together having dinner and such and I guess it was just a good day for them so she wanted to test the waters. This is not a big deal at all and pretty standard I guess but it doesn't help with this feeling in my stomach that's just I don't even know how to describe it. It seems to rotate between wanting to break down and cry, hit something or jump off a building. I don't really understand what the hell is wrong with me this year. Last year when she left I was sad but nowhere near as emotional I am this year.

So I've come to realize that lately I have been a horrible friend for Teach. She trusts me with her problems and everything to do with her Ex and I've been giving as good advice as I can but sometimes I feel like I'm not sure if I'm giving the advice that's good or the one I think will push her towards ending it. It's like do I think it would be better to move on from him? Hell yes. Is that because I'm Jealous? I wanna say no but honestly I think that's a small part of it which is horrible. I want her to be happy with or without me and I just hate that I can't act like that. I really do try to be a good friend with my advice I want her to make her own decisions and if she decides she still wants him that's fine and I will do my best to live with that. If she chooses to move on and be single a while that's great too. It's just UGH this year I am an emotional wreck with her and have no idea why!


Anyways that's where I stand so far thanks for reading,

-Bonhomme

Decent week

So the start of this week was a bit shakey just well basically Teach had her Ex sleep over and they kissed a bit and blarg it made me really really jealous but then we talked and alot of stuff happened which I'll try to explain here.

So Teach has this friend called Mama Bear who is... well I don't know the word for it the person who's big into spirituality like Tarot Cards and Auras and Spirits and such. Personally I do believe most of it but that's just me. Anyways they were all hanging out (all the girls and Teach and Mama Bear) and they decided to skype me. So literally as soon as I get on the line someone ( later identified as Mama Bear) was sorta yelling "It's him , It's Him, It's Him" Which I later learned was her way of saying I was Teach's soulmate or Twin flame or something. Basically a Twin flame (From what I understand) is essentially You have your Twin Flame who is your Other half in heaven and each lifetime One of you is sent to earth to live and the other watches over and protects you and chooses who you will fall in love with during that lifetime. But when you are on your last lifetime Both you AND your twin flame will be on earth and trying to find eachother I guess. So anyways Mama bear said my Aura was pink (Which means love) Not all that surprising when I'm talking to Teach and basically I won't lie I felt really good I mean I know it's not hard science or anything but I do believe it and It was just a nice feeling thinking it. So anyways Mama bear then asked if I thought Teach was my Twin Flame and I said yes after finding out a bit what it was I still say yes. 

So alot of stuff went down with Teach and her Ex too but bottom line is she's started to feel different around him and they both think they need to try and go back to their old selves but neither know if they even can anymore. I don't know what to think for that one I mean the selfish shit inside wants her just to tell him they should be friends and that's it but I know that might not be what she wants . Either way lots of stuff for this week so hopefully everything resolves itself eventually.

Although One thing I did find interesting was during our time spent watching movies and cuddling and such I admittedly always felt tempted to kinda push the limits a little, and I was dying to try a kiss but I knew better than to push it so I pushed those temptations down . One thing that surprised me is me and Teach talked about it yesterday and she said she had the same temptations this made me feel happy but confused too. Happy cuz Wow girl of my dreams here saying she felt tempted to kiss me too but confused because before she'd said she couldn't give me everything a girlfriend could and just blech I have no idea anymore. And then it made me happy again cuz obviously if she felt tempted she must think of me more than just a friend which is great!

So that's it for now thanks for reading.

-Bonhomme

Trying to voice things better

So in my last few posts I have been very bad at explaining well Teach and how I feel and everything I've been mostly complaining and being a selfish prick and me me me meing.

So I think to start with Teach again since I'm horrible at explanations Physically sure she's attractive but that's not what get's me. She has one of the kindest hearts I have ever seen no matter the circumstance, she always tries to put others before herself no matter how much she is hurting she always does and maybe that's why her and the Ex broke up maybe not I don't pretend to know but the point is she is just such a caring person and always puts her friends needs or wants above her own.

She is a big nerd like me and always open to try new things (To an extent) and just a genuinely happy person. I love our honesty policy I really really do and the only thing I always have trouble telling her is how I'm really feeling, there is one feeling I hate most in the world and it's that I might have hurt her. She loves the same shows and movies (for the most part as me) and I think something I really love about her is she doesn't Judge me. She must be the only person in my life who doesn't.

She always brightens up my day just by talking to me I know I've said that before but it's true and also why some mornings I'll say "Good Morning Sunshine" because she brightens up my life,. Teach is the only reason I'm still alive today and has easily had the biggest influence on my life as a whole and even after she know's all my feelings for her and everything she doesn't shy away from me or ignore me. She treats me like a best friend and I can't express enough how amazing that feels to know she cares about me enough not to freak out that I'm in love with her.

So now I guess for an update the other night I found out her and her Ex had been kissingand It bugs me a bit sure but I figured it was gonna happen, later on though me and her were on a skype call with one of her housemates let's call her Pop-star and we were all playing the question game (Ask a question everyone answers honestly) So at first the questions were normal and weird stuff then it turned to some sexual questions were we all went through some of our individual experiences with sex and the like and I heard some of Teach's stuff which was always with her Ex and oddly enough I didn't really feel jealous at that. Strange huh? Of all the things Not to be jealous of the Ex and the Sex life was one of them. But I think I figured it out, I don't want to be with Teach because I want to sleep with her I want to be with her because she is so special to me and makes me feel so amazing when I'm with her or talking with her. No girl has ever made me feel that same way.

Which brings me to my other realization that I should stop trying to compete with her Ex. I haven't necessarily been trying to but I know subconsciously I have been and I think I need to try a different approach I'd never try and steal a girl from another guy that's beyond being an asshole and I wouldn't sabotage a relationship either but there's things I like doing for Teach to make her smile like sending her little gifts and admittedly flirting a bit that I'm not gonna give up. So I think instead of trying to compete when I've already lost I'm going to try my best ( and probably fail) at starting a "New Game" Where I just try to make Teach as happy as possible even if that means she's with Him. I figure I can still give her little presents to make her smile and everything and try to make her a little more happy every day :) And if the Ex doesn't like that well too bad I'm not doing it for him and unless she tells me otherwise I'll assume she's okay with me not changing who I am or how I feel.

I mean obviously I'm madly in love with this girl ( a fact apparently obvious to everyone XD) which means I'm gonna put her needs and wants before mine no matter what, but I won't stop hoping, I can't stop hoping someday it'll be me kissing her in the rain or under some fireworks. Or that it'll be me wrapping my arm around her when she sleeps and pulling her close and never letting go. I've never been very poetic but hopefully this one is a bit more cheery of an entry since it's mostly about her and the happiness she brings me.



I keep saying Who Knows What Will Happen in the future and no one does. But I will hold onto my hope for as long as I can to quote the Shawshank Redemption "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies"

Calmed down Slightly

So I've calmed down a bit from the other night where I kinda freaked and wrote a novel (Sorry) Basically I was crazy upset because I thought I'd hurt Teach during our conversation about the Trial run with her Ex, and she asked for space, which frankly I am horrible at giving, I text her way too much even if the conversation dies and I always feel like I'm annoying her :S Anyways We are talking again and things seem okay but I still don't want to bring up anything to do with her Ex unless I have to because I don't want to upset her or cause her to shut me out again :S I know he's been over a few times this week and apparently he's brought her flowers and such so clearly he is still trying to win her back and from what I can tell he's succeeding :(. As much as I saw this coming for a while now it still feels awful, I was scared of losing her like I said and I know those moments we had over the summer are just gonna have to stop when she get's back together with him. She say's she is smarter and that her heart is more fragile so she isn't rushing in. Which she isn't I understand that but I still feel like she's moving towards getting back together with him. I will support that decision like I've said before but still I can't help feeling jealous of Mr. Perfect for having her. Not to mention my earlier fears of not being able to visit or anything with him not wanting me there. So anyways been feeling kinda empty I guess and not sleeping very well with anxiety for her and for school and such. Just feeling scared about losing her, like I said in my last post I love her to the moon and back and every song just reminds me of her or makes me wish I could give her at least a hug to make myself feel better. I know i'm being selfish with all this but I also realize I might have to wait an extremely long time for my chance with her again (Or I might not get another chance). I don't hate her Ex I just... I want to be him sometimes. I'm actually getting a gym membership this year too to try and get in shape I think it's for me but it might be just to make myself look better to others too I dunno. I think it's guaranteed they are gonna get together and I think I can be okay with it as long as she doesn't expect me to be friends with the guy :S Don't get me wrong I want her to be happy which means I will grind my teeth and suck it up and let her be happy with her Ex because I know that's what she wants but I don't think I could ever shake the hand of the guy who I'm so jealous of with everything from looks to having her. I will support her as I promised I always would but that can't change the way I feel, or how much I am in love with her. As much as she may never love me back or anything like that I still think I can keep things normal with us but I will have try my utmost to not drive myself crazy because I know I like knowing what her and her Bf do but I also know it hurts me too so it's a mix. I can hopefully keep us the same as we were assuming I can actually visit her although that could a long shot now, and I know no matter how hard I try to act normal I will still feel Jealous of him and I know things will still change. Well that's it for today basically no change feeling SLIGHTLY less anxious about her getting with him, I kinda accept it as a thing I'm pretty sure will happen and yeah still love her feel it most days miss her like crazy and yeah that's it so far :) might want to stop listening to the radio cuz every song has some stupid way of reminding me of her or making me wish I was there :S Even if it's just the one line of a song. Thanks for listening, Bonhomme4

She's gone and I feel it everywhere

So Teach went back to University last week and I have to say it's been killing me. My biggest fear in life has always been losing her and for some reason this year when she left it felt like that fear was coming true. Don't get me wrong every time she goes away I always miss her and everything but this year has just been 1000000 times worse for some reason. I think part of it is that she now know's exactly how I feel. I guess I should start from the beginning, basically like I said in my last post we had been getting really close lately with the movies and the sleeping on each other and the "cuddling" I guess and then the whole thing with her Ex came up. We didn't really stop we still kept seeing each other for movies and such up until she left, but a few days before she left she seemed upset about something and really distant so I did what a Best friend should and I got her a little Care Package, A sweater she liked of mine, some Chocolates, a Comic book, a little note letting her know I loved her an so on nothing too spectacular. Apparently she thought the sweater was weird or something so she questioned me about it and in the end I caved and confessed to her that I was IN love with her. She already knew (Apparently I make it obvious :S) but I knew already it wasn't gonna change anything. She still had feelings for her Ex and she was leaving soon and would see him almost every day for the next 8 months. You'll remember this Ex is again just an all around better guy than me. Smarter, more attractive and yada yada and I did let that slip to her too unfortunately basically I said I was jealous of him getting the girl I'm in love with and how much better he was and that's why I was so competitive with him. She basically told me that there was no competition and all that. I said I understood but in reality I wanted to say that there's no competition because I've already lost. Now do not get me wrong being just best friends with her is NOT a loss in any respect, I still love her with all my heart and want her to be happy even if that means letting her be with her Ex, but she also says she's worried if she does get back together with him I won't be happy and I was honest in saying it would make me feel more jealous then I've ever felt knowing he has her and I don't no matter what I do, but frankly that would be with any of her boyfriends not just him :S , we talked about it too, about our relationship but she basically said she couldn't give me everything a girlfriend could and basically I think she meant she doesn't ever see herself "Doing" things with me. Which sucks I guess but I never really understood because I don't picture myself doing those things with her either I mean that should take time to develop over a relationship not be a founding point but anyways. So she's gone now back up to Uni and is spending time with her Ex like I knew she would and I thought I could keep those feelings of Fear down, fear of losing her but now that she's with him again (Although not in a relationship) It's like I can feel a hole in my heart slowly getting bigger. She always tells me I will never lose her but in some ways I know that's not true. I know the fun and amazing times we had this summer cuddling up for movies and falling asleep on each other dies the minute she get's back together with him If and when she does, on top of which He never wanted me visiting Last year before the whole breakup and everything and he knows I was all for the breakup and not for getting back together so imagine how hard it would be for me to visit if they did end up back together. She tells me they are gonna do a trial run or something I don't really understand what it is but when I pressed her she got upset and now wants space for a few days. So not only am I already a freaking mess this week ( My mother has even been asking me what's wrong and most my family seems to think it's that Sarah is gone) but now I can't even talk to her or get reassured or anything. I know I have to wait and see what happens with her and I know she will have to make her own choices but honestly waiting to see if she will either change her mind about me or flat out reject me or something is so much harder than anything I've had to deal with in forever In songs and books and movies, waiting on the love of your life to realize your the right one seems so glamorous and quick but in reality it's so hard and emotional especially knowing it might never happen :S. Quick refresher on this girl so you can see where I'm coming from, Teach is the most amazing girl, She always brightens up my room and my day is made 10x better when I get to talk to her 100000x better if I get to see her, she is kind and sweet and caring about everyone. She likes all the same things I do with movies and being a nerd and I just feel so comfortable around her it's insane. She's one of those girls that I just can't get out of my head no matter how hard I try and secretly wish I could be with all the time. She makes me happier than almost anything in the world and is always there for me no matter how bad i screw up or how stupid I am. She is the only reason I'm alive today and just.... if I had to use a word then it would be perfect, yup Perfect. I can't really adequately put into words just how amazing she is and how blessed I truly am to have her in my life. She also thinks I never dream which I guess is partially true but not always I've had very very few dreams but the ones I do have that aren't nightmares are too embarassing to tell her about. I dream sometimes anyways that I won her over in the end and got to be the hero and blah blah blah we had a family and all that dream home and such and yeah just embarassing. Anyways I guess that's it I'm in love with the most perfect girl I could dream of (Even if she can't see it) and I'm powerless to do anything but wait and hold our hope maybe she'll fall in love with me eventually. I've come to realize that every girl has the same problem, they aren't her and as stupid and crazy as it sounds to hold onto that one in a million shot that she would trade down Mr. Perfect for a guy like me It's all I can do to keep my heart from shattering even more. Anyways this was a long one so thanks for sticking in. Rant over -Bonhomme

Long Time no talk / She builds me up and tears me down

SO! Obviously I haven't been posting at all for a very long time and I think the reasons have been pretty simple, for starters I sort of forgot I had this blog and so yeah there's one reason, the 2nd is I've been very busy this year with finishing up my first year of College, working and such and the 3rd and most important I suppose I haven't felt as much a need (Not to say I don't have my rough patches but regardless). So I guess to start I will recap what's been new recently, uhmm for Starters I started working a new job which I am actually really enjoying mostly because my co-workers are awesome and the time flies bye. I recently finished my first year of College studying Game Development it was both amazingly fun and crazy difficult. Uhmm watching a lot of Anime and such in my downtime not a whole lot new but the big thing I suppose is up until recently I was dating this girl we will call her M for 10 months. Now this was a major relationship for me obviously as it lasted so long but I admit I always felt there was something missing. Until recently I hadn't realized what (or rather Whom) that was. If you remember from a post a while back I mentioned this girl I was madly in love with Named Teach, after a lot of thought and hanging out with her a lot I came to realize I still did love her and that was not likely to ever change. now Teach went away to university this year and met this amazing guy I could never in a million years hope to compete with, Good looking, Charming, Poetic, and clearly had Her love almost right from the start. Now he unfortunately didn't know how to treat myself or Teach's other best friend so she broke it off but not until 8 months had past and unfortunately this guy doesn't give up very easily, promising to try and win her back and so on I chose to ignore it thinking he was just upset over the breakup. So after that we started spending a lot more time together watching movies, hanging out late, marathoning shows and such but the weird thing was we were way closer than normal. Holding hands and her falling asleep on me and such. I felt really happy you know? Like maybe down the road I'd have a real shot at my happiness with her. Hell we even were joking about if we ever got married and how it wouldn't be a bad thing. All the signs were there that maybe she wanted to move farther, she even gave me a little peck on the cheek to wish me goodnight. All was well with the world. That is until her Ex, who doesn't seem to consider himself an ex, promised to change and yadiyada and asked her on a date for dinner when she was back at Uni (He lives about 4hrs away) She didn't actually give him an answer (for the record she still has feelings for him obviously) but they've been talking more and more recently, Although me and her have still been close with the movies and cuddling and I guess I'd just hoped she'd start to get over him. So yesterday we are talking about how we both like were our friendship is right now and all that and we both like doing the "Couple stuff" like holding hands for movies and her falling asleep on me. So I was feeling good and confident now right? Girl of my dreams telling me she likes doing couple stuff with me SCORE. TO which she goes on to say.... You guessed it " I think I might take my Ex up on his Dinner date offer". Just like that my heart breaks into a billion little peaces again and I'm left upset and doing the only thing I can do in this situation. Tell her that it's her choice and I will support her no matter what because I just want her to be happy. And that is entirely true although as selfish as this is I want her to be happy... with me. But that doesn't seem to ever be a fucking option and it's starting to really really tear at me on the inside. Anyways my family seems to think it's because of my recent breakup with M but in reality I'm more upset I'm gonna lose Teach. It's not that she has hurt me because she never does it's more of a fear of losing her and just wishing I could be That Guy. But she doesn't hurt me with any of this. Anyways catchup/what's happening now rant Over! See you next time I'll try to do weekly updates.