2 More Days

2 More days that's all!

Story of the Name/Positivity

So I'm just now realizing that to most of you people there is no logic behind the name so Here's 2 links to videos that will explain it. One of which is really helpful for anyone going through tough times in life, it's a bit about staying positive.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQICtwDKmzE&feature=relmfu

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCqwwTfXr1Q

There ya go.

Adding some Context.

So I realized after my last post I never gave you an actual description of HER(Who will now be known as Teach. Never told you anything about Teach realy so I figured i'd fill you in. (She's gonna hate me for it but still) So Im not gonna go with physical descriptions I'll start with saying that I've known her since Junior Kindergarden and for the last like I don't even know 10yrs or so she's been probably my best friend in the world. I can come to her with anything and she's always there to help or if needed for a shoulder to cry on. She's helped me through the toughest times in my life, honestly if it wasn't for her I wouldn't be here, alive or where I am physically. I already told you guys that she's the only reason I didnt take that step when i was on the cliff and she's also the only reason I didn't run away from my crappy home life. Anyways she's always been there for me through thick and thin she was also my first and only love. But I digress to continue on with this she's the nicest person like ever, she will help you no matter what kind of stress se's going through. She remembers everybody's birthday and never forget's to wish you a good day on it. One thing I love about her is she's so, for lack of a better word, innocent! She's not oblivious she knows whats going on around her (We are after all in high school) but it just doesn't phase her she just ignores and moves on.

I remember when I lost my dad I was a wreck, there was just nothing but misery and sadness in my life and then on one night when i'd just watched this video with my dad in it I started bawling my eyes out and as if she could hear me She messages me on Msn asking how I'm doing, if I wanted to play one of those stupid msn games and just trying to make me feel better, she got me through that part of my life and I am FOREVER grateful for it.

There was one time earlier this year actually when I did something realy realy stupid. I'm not sure why I did it but I knew one thing at the time I had to tell Teach. So I did and unfortunately this led to some anger, and ultimately us not talking for probably close to 2 weeks maybe a month and it killed me because I knew i'd hurt her. Eventually I worked up the nerve to talk to her face to face (Something Im terrible at) which led to us finally reconciling, probably the biggest sense of relief I've ever gotten.

So anyways I guess you guys can now see maybe a little bit of why I love Teach so much. Atleast I hope you can, she's by far the most caring and special person I've ever met and have had the pleasure of being friends with.

On a side note What is your definition of love? Adults are always saying you can'tve felt true love your not old enough but to me Love is not wanting to be with anyone else, it not feeling right. This is one reason I know I love Teach. I've been in 2 relationships since and they've both lasted less than a week why? Because I didn't feel right being with them. As soon as I said yes or they said yes I regretted it. I just knew they weren't "The one" persay. Anyways I guess that's my filler on who She is and why I care so much.

See you in 6 days. Can't wait.

~Bonhomme

One more week just one more

So its been about a week now, since She left... and I've come to realize that its almost impossible for me to live without you.... I can't sleep, your always on my mind hell I almost broke down in the car just for hearing a song that reminded me of you I know she hates it when I do that but hey it was a great country song and it was perfect to describe my feelings for her. Anyways it's one more week till you come home and it couldn't be soon enough. I honestly didn't think it would be this hard but I can't stand not seeing her or hearing how she's doing or not talking to her. I just it kills me.

On a seperate note had a realy nice conversation with another friend today about well Her, how much I missed her and want her to be happy and want her to find someone if it means she'll be happy. Admittedly the conversation went to my feelings for her and how I want to be with her but I know I'll have to wait and see....and hope. It was funny today actually a grade nine from my school asked me about you, if I still liked you. Imagine that a grade nine could see that I still loved you. I got a laugh out of that, first one in weeks.

Which brings us to my other friend who I know will be reading this soon enough. Don't freak out. And thank you for the help I am trying to think more positively but as for you missy listen! Not all relationships bring on stress if you like this guy go for it and don't ever look back , do exactly what you told me don't dwell on the negatives of being here, think about all the good things about where you are now, your friends, family, screw school and screw Doctor your much better than this.

Anyways I guess that's it main thing this week though I MISS HER! I hope she's having fun and hope she doesn't get too upset with me for bringing those feelings back up.

~Bonhomme

P.s The song was Wanted by Hunter Hayes

Gone and the Family.

So I'm gonna try and not put words into peoples mouth's anymore as apparently theres more people reading this than I thought and i have been misinterpreting some things.

So anyways the trip I talked about before? The one my best friend is on (and a few aforementioned assholes) left yesterday so you'd think I'd be feeling some relief? or atleast a little bit of closure like I could put it behind me? Nope Ive been feeling like shit all weekend and havent been sleeping. Ive been crying, and feeling angry, bitter, jealous and depressed about all of it.

On a side note happy easter, but of course not for me because that meens family get togethers, which of course meens everyone make fun of Me time. And not just for fun no they target every one of my self esteem areas. Such as my lack of good looks, any real talent, lack of girlfriend, no real friends or social life, lack of athleticism and pretty much anything and everything else. One of my friends has suggested not to worry cause people still care about me I'm not so sure another has suggested it's the way I'm thinking about it, that I think everyones against me but it's not true. Which is I guess a kind of truth. Honestly there is only one place on earth I feel welcome and at home and happy and that's my summer camp. Thank god I got accepted to the 1 month program this year. One month away from my "family" one month of actual happiness. No more getting yelled at for everything I do, no more getting taunted or teased, no more being cast in the shadow of my siblings, no more being ignored by my own Mom for her new favorites. I swear the Dogs get more love and attention than me. Honestly there was a time where I wanted to just run away. I didn't care where but away from here. There's realy only one thing, one person I should say keeping me and she knows it.

I'm honestly beginning to dread family get togethers worse I'm starting to hate my own family. Maybe it's all in my head and there not all against me but I havent seen a single shred of god damn evidence to prove even one of them is on my side. The ironic part? My family makes fun of me for going to movies and playing video games all the time. I play games to escape the shit life I live, in games I can be anyone I want I can have a relationship and be happy and have no fear of rejection or loss. In movies I escape to a whole new world and live and breath with the characters. Sure maybe I watch alot and play alot but it's not only for fun its so I don't go absolutely insane and put myself back on that cliff.

So anyways theres a bucket load for you. And to the friends who tried to help thanks.

~Bonhomme

Well 1 more day.

So the trip I was talking about in the other post? They ship out in one more day which is upsetting enough but I didn't even get to say goodbye to my best friend. I can't realy blame her considering she was at an appointment but I wish shed told me so I'dve had a chance. Yes I'm aware she's only gone for 2 weeks but that's probably gonna be the longest I've gone without here or atleast talking to her in around 4-5 years. Not to mention again the afore mentioned people on the trip I happen to dislike.

But anyways so this week wasn't too too bad nothing realy happened. Went to a movie with a friend and had an amazing time I was happy to see her having fun to. And now it's a long weekend. I have to say my self esteem issueas and loneliness issues have been getting a bit worse lately. I'm pretty much lonely all the time and found myself crying a little bit today because of it. Well that and the whole not getting to say bye thing. I took a look at most of the relationships at my school and I'm beginning to notice something. The "hot" athletic guys, who are ass holes or druggies or stuff, still manage to get the girl. Like WTF society???? I mean seriously the drug using ass holes get to have happy relationships but I don't? One of my friends said god made me perfect somehow I doubt it. I know I can't rush this or force myself or someone else to like me but still I just realy want a relationship, I want someone to like me or something!

Oh and on that topic my friend from my first post (For anyone who remembers) I think still believes I'm in love with her. Which to be honest is true, as I said before I will always love her no matter what. But she's saying the same stuff I'm saying how she wants someone to love her as well. Which I'm fine with I can understand why she doesn't want to be with me and I'm okay helping her get through it and such because she is my best friend. I have no problem with encouraging her to find someone else or anything like that I want her to be happy even if it's not with me. But once again the whole loneliness thing is kinda killing me a little.

Well that's about it the usual load of stuff I'm sure I'll be back soon.

~Bonhomme

Fitting in

So I guess I'll start with some context this week is my Schools play and I'm helping out with tech and such. I guess one thing I noticed is how much fun all the actors and backstage crew have, they're all such good friends and I'm realizing I want that but am not part of their group per say. Sure they're my friends and hopefully I am theirs but I never get to have those memories or moments with them. I mean one thing I'm realizing is I can't even make plans with friends anymore. I understand they're busy but sometimes I get the feeling they just don't want to hangout with me specifically. And going off that brings me back to probably my number one insecurity, no-one realy cares, I think I have maybe 3 actual friends in the entire world. 3.... Not exactly a number I'm likeing considering I know and talk to on a regular basis around 20+. But either way I guess maybe after high school ill find some people who care about me and want to hang. Hopefully I will anyways.


Another thing going on soon is a trip my School has put together to Europe, I applied and was rejected which any other thing wouldn't bother me but It's truly a once in a lifetime oppurtunity and Europe is a place I've been wanting to go for years now. And in reality the only thing I can see that would have prevented me going is my grades. So because I'm not smart enough in the oppinion of the school I get sent away from this trip. Plus I looked at the list of people who were accepted among them were people I know to be bullies, mean people who have bullied me over the years and probably would still if I gave them the chance. And That just annoys me. Because those mean bullies are smarter or get better grades then me they get to go on this awesome trip and get this amazing oppurtunity and I don't. Not to mention of course my mothers words of encouragement when I told her I was applying. "Don't get your hopes up, I doubt they'll accept you with your grades" Thanks mom love you too. Either way that's pretty much this week. Oh and of course it sucks because one of my Best Friends (remember the girl from the first 2 posts?) Is on the trip so i have to pretend to be excited for her. Yay.

Anyways thanks for listening I guess although I think theres only one of you. Bye.

Yay break?

Sorry it's been a while but i've been busy. So this week is march break and me and my fam are up at Mont St Sauver for the week skiing. The first day of the break was a normal day just hanging around some shopping and such since it was rainy and the weather was crap. The second day however I get a nice little shock as when my mom was drinking (drunk) she told me I was an accident. Flat out. I mean it had been an outstanding joke in the family that I was an accident but I thought they were kidding. It's a bit of a shock. Knowing your life your entire existence everything you've ever done or will do was the result of just a major accident. Not exactly the confidence booster id want. Then during this conversation she goes on to talk about all my siblings. How my sister is so smart and has high marks and is doing her master's degree, how One of my brothers is doing great in university and just finished becoming an engineer and how the other is a great salesman and hockey player. What did she say about me? How I'm not doing well in school and need to work harder and how I'm the least athletic out of my siblings. That was it.


After that lovely conversation I finally got my input on how i've been treated by my brothers and sisters and how they pretty much hate me and love eachother as a group. Of course as any person would my sister says no thats not true and all that crap but the funny thing is not ONCE did she say she cared about or loved me. Even after voicing how I felt. Family issues aside me and my friend who's hear with me started talking about Prom next year for some reason and that convo scared me for mostly one reason. I guess this is a normal fear. Who would I ask? or more importantly who would go with me? I have fairly low self esteem i find and I cant even think of anyone who would go to prom with me or who i like or anything like that and it scares me to think I don't have anyone who truly cares. The one person I thought cared hasn't realy to me since December. It's a terrible feeling.


Last thing on my list is one of my now best and closest friends who's going through so much stuff right now and it's killing me that I can't help. She is by far one of the nicest people I know and an amazing friend who doesn't deserve any of what she's going through right now. I care about her alot and realy want her to feel better about everything going on. One thing she's said is she not necessarily wants but I guess would like a relationship with someone she cares about and who can help her get past this history with another guy. And hearing that makes me feel so terrible cause I can't do anything to help. Another thing that realy bothers me cause I can't help is she says she cries and doesn't tell her friends because she doesn't want to burden them, She used to cry in her room just staring at her walls. Do you know how it feels having a friend you can't help no matter how hard you try? I don't want her to stop telling me these things but I just wish I didn't feel so helpless sometimes. I realy want to be able to help her as much as I physically and emotionally can but I just don't know how.


So anyways I guess that's all for my break so far. I'll try to post more frequently. Bye.

Same crap different year

So happy new year I guess. Well maybe your new year is Happy. I know this blog is depressing but it's what I'm going through and helps to post. So anyways finished my vacation had an alright time and now I come home with new year and fresh start in my head. But of course that doesn't happen. School starts back up and once again I'm being ignored or made fun or or whatever. Essentialy I have almost no real friends right now. I have maybe one or 2 I trust but that's it.

Basicly the groups I try and talk to or do stuff with ditch me in a heartbeat but theyd never think to ditch one of their own mostly me. And of course its almost valentine season woohoo -_- On a side note me and the before mentioned girl have talked and decided to try to go back to being good friends so I'm trying to move on.

Essentialy this year is'nt going any better hopefully it will get somewhat better but based on past experience I'm not holding my breath.

One year of hell

So welcome I guess. I've never realy done this before i'm trusting total strangers with my secrets and fears. yay. Mine as well start from the beginning.

So I guess I started feeling sad when me and a girl I loved brokeup it wasnt because of anything bad she just wanted to go back to being friends and I was too stupid to fight for her. Anyways that summer i was quite literally standing at the edge of a cliff and thinking how easy it would be, and hoe better off everyone would be if i just jumped. In reality there was only one thing, person I should say that stopped me. You guessed it the girl. I still loved her. So taking a chance I ask her out again. She says no. So Im officialy stuck. But besides the girl theres about 10 thousand other problems I have.


For one I have maybe 2 friends in the entire world. Who I never get to see or be with. All my other "friends" abandoned me. One girl who completely hates me has made it her goal to alienate me from all my friends and is so far succeding. Whih realy doesn't help my insecurities. One of my biggest is how people think about me which isnt hard to tell. For starters going by looks Im ugly, weak, unintelligent, geeky, a failure and invisible. Another thing is every god damn night is the same thing.Videogameswhere people dont judge me and feeling lonely cause noone loves me. Which puts me in a state of depression that keeps me up.


Oh and heres the real kicker so I have 3 siblings who fucking hate me simply because im youngest and different to them. Our dad died from cancer a few years back they come together and push me apart so even in my own family im the freak. My mom though starts paying more attention to me and caring about me. That is until she gets a boyfriend who has 2 younger kids. Instantly im cast into the shadows of her new favourites. Finally i thought, i'm not the youngest maybe just maybe my siblings will love me. but no instead they choose the boyfriend's kids over me. as of right now Im officially the least loved of my entire family woohoo.


Well that about sums up the year i've had since the summer. Basicly no friends, no real family and only a small hope of one day leaving this town which is slowly fading away. I wonder what kind of hell god's cooked up for the next year.

~Bonhomme