2 More Days

2 More days that's all!

Story of the Name/Positivity

So I'm just now realizing that to most of you people there is no logic behind the name so Here's 2 links to videos that will explain it. One of which is really helpful for anyone going through tough times in life, it's a bit about staying positive.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQICtwDKmzE&feature=relmfu

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCqwwTfXr1Q

There ya go.

Adding some Context.

So I realized after my last post I never gave you an actual description of HER(Who will now be known as Teach. Never told you anything about Teach realy so I figured i'd fill you in. (She's gonna hate me for it but still) So Im not gonna go with physical descriptions I'll start with saying that I've known her since Junior Kindergarden and for the last like I don't even know 10yrs or so she's been probably my best friend in the world. I can come to her with anything and she's always there to help or if needed for a shoulder to cry on. She's helped me through the toughest times in my life, honestly if it wasn't for her I wouldn't be here, alive or where I am physically. I already told you guys that she's the only reason I didnt take that step when i was on the cliff and she's also the only reason I didn't run away from my crappy home life. Anyways she's always been there for me through thick and thin she was also my first and only love. But I digress to continue on with this she's the nicest person like ever, she will help you no matter what kind of stress se's going through. She remembers everybody's birthday and never forget's to wish you a good day on it. One thing I love about her is she's so, for lack of a better word, innocent! She's not oblivious she knows whats going on around her (We are after all in high school) but it just doesn't phase her she just ignores and moves on.

I remember when I lost my dad I was a wreck, there was just nothing but misery and sadness in my life and then on one night when i'd just watched this video with my dad in it I started bawling my eyes out and as if she could hear me She messages me on Msn asking how I'm doing, if I wanted to play one of those stupid msn games and just trying to make me feel better, she got me through that part of my life and I am FOREVER grateful for it.

There was one time earlier this year actually when I did something realy realy stupid. I'm not sure why I did it but I knew one thing at the time I had to tell Teach. So I did and unfortunately this led to some anger, and ultimately us not talking for probably close to 2 weeks maybe a month and it killed me because I knew i'd hurt her. Eventually I worked up the nerve to talk to her face to face (Something Im terrible at) which led to us finally reconciling, probably the biggest sense of relief I've ever gotten.

So anyways I guess you guys can now see maybe a little bit of why I love Teach so much. Atleast I hope you can, she's by far the most caring and special person I've ever met and have had the pleasure of being friends with.

On a side note What is your definition of love? Adults are always saying you can'tve felt true love your not old enough but to me Love is not wanting to be with anyone else, it not feeling right. This is one reason I know I love Teach. I've been in 2 relationships since and they've both lasted less than a week why? Because I didn't feel right being with them. As soon as I said yes or they said yes I regretted it. I just knew they weren't "The one" persay. Anyways I guess that's my filler on who She is and why I care so much.

See you in 6 days. Can't wait.

~Bonhomme

One more week just one more

So its been about a week now, since She left... and I've come to realize that its almost impossible for me to live without you.... I can't sleep, your always on my mind hell I almost broke down in the car just for hearing a song that reminded me of you I know she hates it when I do that but hey it was a great country song and it was perfect to describe my feelings for her. Anyways it's one more week till you come home and it couldn't be soon enough. I honestly didn't think it would be this hard but I can't stand not seeing her or hearing how she's doing or not talking to her. I just it kills me.

On a seperate note had a realy nice conversation with another friend today about well Her, how much I missed her and want her to be happy and want her to find someone if it means she'll be happy. Admittedly the conversation went to my feelings for her and how I want to be with her but I know I'll have to wait and see....and hope. It was funny today actually a grade nine from my school asked me about you, if I still liked you. Imagine that a grade nine could see that I still loved you. I got a laugh out of that, first one in weeks.

Which brings us to my other friend who I know will be reading this soon enough. Don't freak out. And thank you for the help I am trying to think more positively but as for you missy listen! Not all relationships bring on stress if you like this guy go for it and don't ever look back , do exactly what you told me don't dwell on the negatives of being here, think about all the good things about where you are now, your friends, family, screw school and screw Doctor your much better than this.

Anyways I guess that's it main thing this week though I MISS HER! I hope she's having fun and hope she doesn't get too upset with me for bringing those feelings back up.

~Bonhomme

P.s The song was Wanted by Hunter Hayes

Gone and the Family.

So I'm gonna try and not put words into peoples mouth's anymore as apparently theres more people reading this than I thought and i have been misinterpreting some things.

So anyways the trip I talked about before? The one my best friend is on (and a few aforementioned assholes) left yesterday so you'd think I'd be feeling some relief? or atleast a little bit of closure like I could put it behind me? Nope Ive been feeling like shit all weekend and havent been sleeping. Ive been crying, and feeling angry, bitter, jealous and depressed about all of it.

On a side note happy easter, but of course not for me because that meens family get togethers, which of course meens everyone make fun of Me time. And not just for fun no they target every one of my self esteem areas. Such as my lack of good looks, any real talent, lack of girlfriend, no real friends or social life, lack of athleticism and pretty much anything and everything else. One of my friends has suggested not to worry cause people still care about me I'm not so sure another has suggested it's the way I'm thinking about it, that I think everyones against me but it's not true. Which is I guess a kind of truth. Honestly there is only one place on earth I feel welcome and at home and happy and that's my summer camp. Thank god I got accepted to the 1 month program this year. One month away from my "family" one month of actual happiness. No more getting yelled at for everything I do, no more getting taunted or teased, no more being cast in the shadow of my siblings, no more being ignored by my own Mom for her new favorites. I swear the Dogs get more love and attention than me. Honestly there was a time where I wanted to just run away. I didn't care where but away from here. There's realy only one thing, one person I should say keeping me and she knows it.

I'm honestly beginning to dread family get togethers worse I'm starting to hate my own family. Maybe it's all in my head and there not all against me but I havent seen a single shred of god damn evidence to prove even one of them is on my side. The ironic part? My family makes fun of me for going to movies and playing video games all the time. I play games to escape the shit life I live, in games I can be anyone I want I can have a relationship and be happy and have no fear of rejection or loss. In movies I escape to a whole new world and live and breath with the characters. Sure maybe I watch alot and play alot but it's not only for fun its so I don't go absolutely insane and put myself back on that cliff.

So anyways theres a bucket load for you. And to the friends who tried to help thanks.

~Bonhomme

Well 1 more day.

So the trip I was talking about in the other post? They ship out in one more day which is upsetting enough but I didn't even get to say goodbye to my best friend. I can't realy blame her considering she was at an appointment but I wish shed told me so I'dve had a chance. Yes I'm aware she's only gone for 2 weeks but that's probably gonna be the longest I've gone without here or atleast talking to her in around 4-5 years. Not to mention again the afore mentioned people on the trip I happen to dislike.

But anyways so this week wasn't too too bad nothing realy happened. Went to a movie with a friend and had an amazing time I was happy to see her having fun to. And now it's a long weekend. I have to say my self esteem issueas and loneliness issues have been getting a bit worse lately. I'm pretty much lonely all the time and found myself crying a little bit today because of it. Well that and the whole not getting to say bye thing. I took a look at most of the relationships at my school and I'm beginning to notice something. The "hot" athletic guys, who are ass holes or druggies or stuff, still manage to get the girl. Like WTF society???? I mean seriously the drug using ass holes get to have happy relationships but I don't? One of my friends said god made me perfect somehow I doubt it. I know I can't rush this or force myself or someone else to like me but still I just realy want a relationship, I want someone to like me or something!

Oh and on that topic my friend from my first post (For anyone who remembers) I think still believes I'm in love with her. Which to be honest is true, as I said before I will always love her no matter what. But she's saying the same stuff I'm saying how she wants someone to love her as well. Which I'm fine with I can understand why she doesn't want to be with me and I'm okay helping her get through it and such because she is my best friend. I have no problem with encouraging her to find someone else or anything like that I want her to be happy even if it's not with me. But once again the whole loneliness thing is kinda killing me a little.

Well that's about it the usual load of stuff I'm sure I'll be back soon.

~Bonhomme