Fitting in

So I guess I'll start with some context this week is my Schools play and I'm helping out with tech and such. I guess one thing I noticed is how much fun all the actors and backstage crew have, they're all such good friends and I'm realizing I want that but am not part of their group per say. Sure they're my friends and hopefully I am theirs but I never get to have those memories or moments with them. I mean one thing I'm realizing is I can't even make plans with friends anymore. I understand they're busy but sometimes I get the feeling they just don't want to hangout with me specifically. And going off that brings me back to probably my number one insecurity, no-one realy cares, I think I have maybe 3 actual friends in the entire world. 3.... Not exactly a number I'm likeing considering I know and talk to on a regular basis around 20+. But either way I guess maybe after high school ill find some people who care about me and want to hang. Hopefully I will anyways.


Another thing going on soon is a trip my School has put together to Europe, I applied and was rejected which any other thing wouldn't bother me but It's truly a once in a lifetime oppurtunity and Europe is a place I've been wanting to go for years now. And in reality the only thing I can see that would have prevented me going is my grades. So because I'm not smart enough in the oppinion of the school I get sent away from this trip. Plus I looked at the list of people who were accepted among them were people I know to be bullies, mean people who have bullied me over the years and probably would still if I gave them the chance. And That just annoys me. Because those mean bullies are smarter or get better grades then me they get to go on this awesome trip and get this amazing oppurtunity and I don't. Not to mention of course my mothers words of encouragement when I told her I was applying. "Don't get your hopes up, I doubt they'll accept you with your grades" Thanks mom love you too. Either way that's pretty much this week. Oh and of course it sucks because one of my Best Friends (remember the girl from the first 2 posts?) Is on the trip so i have to pretend to be excited for her. Yay.

Anyways thanks for listening I guess although I think theres only one of you. Bye.

Yay break?

Sorry it's been a while but i've been busy. So this week is march break and me and my fam are up at Mont St Sauver for the week skiing. The first day of the break was a normal day just hanging around some shopping and such since it was rainy and the weather was crap. The second day however I get a nice little shock as when my mom was drinking (drunk) she told me I was an accident. Flat out. I mean it had been an outstanding joke in the family that I was an accident but I thought they were kidding. It's a bit of a shock. Knowing your life your entire existence everything you've ever done or will do was the result of just a major accident. Not exactly the confidence booster id want. Then during this conversation she goes on to talk about all my siblings. How my sister is so smart and has high marks and is doing her master's degree, how One of my brothers is doing great in university and just finished becoming an engineer and how the other is a great salesman and hockey player. What did she say about me? How I'm not doing well in school and need to work harder and how I'm the least athletic out of my siblings. That was it.


After that lovely conversation I finally got my input on how i've been treated by my brothers and sisters and how they pretty much hate me and love eachother as a group. Of course as any person would my sister says no thats not true and all that crap but the funny thing is not ONCE did she say she cared about or loved me. Even after voicing how I felt. Family issues aside me and my friend who's hear with me started talking about Prom next year for some reason and that convo scared me for mostly one reason. I guess this is a normal fear. Who would I ask? or more importantly who would go with me? I have fairly low self esteem i find and I cant even think of anyone who would go to prom with me or who i like or anything like that and it scares me to think I don't have anyone who truly cares. The one person I thought cared hasn't realy to me since December. It's a terrible feeling.


Last thing on my list is one of my now best and closest friends who's going through so much stuff right now and it's killing me that I can't help. She is by far one of the nicest people I know and an amazing friend who doesn't deserve any of what she's going through right now. I care about her alot and realy want her to feel better about everything going on. One thing she's said is she not necessarily wants but I guess would like a relationship with someone she cares about and who can help her get past this history with another guy. And hearing that makes me feel so terrible cause I can't do anything to help. Another thing that realy bothers me cause I can't help is she says she cries and doesn't tell her friends because she doesn't want to burden them, She used to cry in her room just staring at her walls. Do you know how it feels having a friend you can't help no matter how hard you try? I don't want her to stop telling me these things but I just wish I didn't feel so helpless sometimes. I realy want to be able to help her as much as I physically and emotionally can but I just don't know how.


So anyways I guess that's all for my break so far. I'll try to post more frequently. Bye.